Male Perspective: 4 Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Have “Friends” Of The Opposite s*x
Mary
J. Blige’s comment about not allowing each other to have friends of the
opposite s*x sparked a lot of water cooler discussion at work. To give
proper context to her comment, the interviewer asked her what the
benefits of marrying one’s manager are. MJB’s response was, “…If one of
you don’t want to talk about something right now, you have to respect
that. And you have to respect each other’s space.” – The Telegraph. So,
it was in the context of respecting each other’s space that MJB was
like,
“All females for me, all guys for him. There’s none of that, ‘Oh,
that’s my female friend. Oh, that’s my guy friend.’ No. Not in a
marriage, I’ve never seen that work.” The Telegraph
I strongly agree! When I first got married, I wanted to hang out with
my friends like I did when I was single. My wife, on the other hand,
had no interest of hanging out till 2am with my friends. But she did
something that saved our marriage: she hung out anyway. She didn’t want
me around all those women…by myself…who knew I was married but didn’t
care. In hindsight, I should have pulled back on my social game. But had
she not been around, I would have created two personas: one when she
was around, and another when she wasn’t. And the unchaperoned persona
would have permitted me to interact with my female friends in a way the
chaperoned persona could not do in front of my wife. And we all have
seen that married guy before…right?
[Working definition of friend: one who you know and/or hang out with socially outside of work without your spouse]
Let’s be real! The #1 reason MJB doesn’t want her man to have female
friends is because she doesn’t what him to cheat on her. Even though she
knows there’s no fool-proof way of preventing him, this restricted
access limits the risk of that happening. Here are 4 reasons why I think
it’s healthy for married couples to limit the risk of cheating by
restricting the opposite s*x from the status of ‘friend’.
As I already mentioned, you’ll act one way when your spouse is
around…but another way when she’s not. Not all the time. But even once
is more than enough and sets a bad precedent for future interactions.
Having restrictions on female “friends” is like self cock-blocking.
The side you show when your wife is not around would not be acceptable
if she was standing right next to you. And that is dangerous because the
s*xual tension sparked by the forbidden fruit is tantalizing. History
is wrought with men and women that thought they were strong enough to
resist the forbidden…ask David and Sampson.
With respect, MJB is sexy. But so are millions of other women,
respectfully speaking. Just because one’s wife is sexy doesn’t mean that
other women aren’t. Restricting another sexy woman from “friend” status
helps limits the risk that he will cheat with his sexy “friend”.
No matter how innocent things start out – helping a fellow student
study for an exam, assisting a co-worker with a project, or working
together in a church ministry – you might start catching feelings for
your female friend. The thing about feelings is…you can’t control them.
You can control your emotions, which is how you respond to your
feelings. But if you start feeling like you’re falling in love with your
female “friend”, you can’t stop that feeling. Yes, you can catch
feelings for anyone, at anytime; and your spouse can’t control that. But
putting restrictions on who has access to you and in what environment
mitigates the risk you’ll catch feelings for your female “friends”.
There’s no 100% fool-proof way to stop your man or woman from
cheating. But I think it is wise and healthy to institute some family
standards, to which you both adhere, that reduce the risk of someone
cheating. I’d rather have them and not need them, than not have them and
find out too late that I needed them all along. We’ve got ours. You got
yours?
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